help meh not look like an idiot! please?

Hey guys...

It might be bad form to beg. But I'm doing it anyway. I am pitching my novel to some literary agents next weekend at a local writer's conference. I am also incredibly nervous and don't want to flub it up. I need as much feedback on my pitch as possible... so I am posting it below. Since none of you know anything about my novel and you're all smart... and some of you might even like fantasy... could ya read it and post suggestions/tell me it's crap (constructively)? pretty please? if this thing ever gets published I promise you an autographed first edition hardcover copy. Here it is:

To save all creation, the youngest Goddess must face the world's most ancient fear.

Goddess of Illusions is an epic fantasy romance set in the realm of Zalir, combining elements of Dungeons and Dragons, Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time, and classic Greek mythology. In Zalir, the powers of Light and Dark, or Creation and Destruction, must stay in Balance... or the world as they know it will end.

Ciantarah, Goddess of Illusions, is the daughter of the God of Light and the Moon-Goddess. Everyone was mystified by her birth, as she is the first Immortal to come into being since the dawn of time. Alienated by the ancient Gods and Goddesses, Ciantarah chooses to make her home among mortals and be their champion, fighting against the encroaching power of Dark that threatens the Balance while the other Immortals turn a blind eye.

So when she finds herself inexplicably compelled to fly far across the night sky, she suspects something sinister. Instead, at the end of her flight, she finds a powerful and handsome young Sorcerer Prince who is desperate for her aid.

Prince Ebernhart is the legendary golden-eyed heir to the most influential throne in Zalir. His folly and youthful pride led him to claim the remote and long-forgotten Castle of Eternal Sunrise, a palace caught in a time-trap so that the sky always displays the most glorious moment of dawn. Little did he know that the castle also bestows a terrible curse: every person who takes ownership will go mad and die within a year. Ebernhart's only hope is to solve the ancient riddle that will unlock the time-trap and let the sun move across the sky once more... but countless brilliant minds have tried over the ages, and all forfeited their sanity and ultimately their lives.

Ciantarah is touched by the Prince's plight, and she agrees to help him search for the answer to the riddle. They begin to follow the clues together, and unexpected romance between Mortal and Immortal blossoms... as a result, Ciantarah finds herself far more devoted to the Sun-Lord's cause than she ever expected. Much to her horror, the search leads her into a convoluted web which has at its heart the one being in all Zalir that she fears: her former betrothed, the man who betrayed her love; Serhieon, God of Dark and King of the Dead... who still desires her for himself.

Surprisingly, Serhieon pledges his assistance in solving the riddle... but asks a seemingly small price in return: a single kiss. Now she must reluctantly enter Serhieon's realm, where she herself is nearly powerless, in a race against time to solve the Castle's riddle... and she finds that not just the Prince, but all of Zalir is in terrible danger.

Meanwhile, Ebernhart finds himself forced to fight a Sorcerer's Duel of epic proportions to prove his right to the Throne... and his rival proves to be none other than his own long-lost brother! To make matters worse, a trusted friend reports that Ciantarah was seen in Serhieon's arms... Ebernhart believes himself betrayed and loses all hope.

Will Ebernhart regain his faith in the Goddess? Can the curse be broken? Will Ciantarah escape the cunning Serhieon's clutches before it is too late? And how can love between Mortal and Immortal ever hope to survive?

Goddess of Illusions. A battle of Balance, love, and the very existence of a world.

Perhaps give Light and Dark specific names, name them as realms/factions? You created a world, nay a universe, so I wouldn't get generic with these sort of things, especially since you are specific with everything else. To me it would look like you ran out of creativity or time.

I have not read your novel so I am going to go based on what is here...the synopsis sounds a bit cliche' but again it is a presentation of the basic gist of the elements of the story is so it should be fine.

I have never written anything complex except maybe a lab report or two so i don't really know what to expect from a presentation to a publisher. It's just my $0.89

I would agree that you should give names to the "light" and "dark" factions, that would be a bit more catchy having that to go on. Other than that I like the general concept of the book and wouldn't mind picking up a book like that and giving it a good reading.

Good luck and hope it goes well for you in your pitch.

offer them cookeez!!!!!!!!

a idea for the light and dark thing i saw a game with a light/dark concept call it

the open palm (light)
and the closed fist (dark)

maybe you could go along a similar line as that

and as the others said it looks very good and i wouldnt mind reading it though im not big on fantasy books

I like the open palm/closed fist concept... but not sure it really suits for my novel. Will have to think about this since several of you seem to like the idea of calling it something different.

thank you for your encouragement... one of these days I'll write some sci-fi too I think... maybe later this year.

I'll let you all know how it goes! and if you have more feedback, feel free.

Mapu, you're probably right. I should be like "Yeah yeah, I've got this awesome novel about this Goddess and a Sorcerer Prince dude, you KNOW you want to represent me and we'll both make money hand over fist, but enough about that. Here! Have some cookies!"

My sister and I have a chocolate chip cookie recipe that has garnered us several marriage proposals because they are so incredibly good. Wonder if that works for book deals.

depends on the gender and marital status of the judge type people, though generally people like that are a bunch of hard arses.

you could adopt the open palm/closed fist concept to fit your story better, i was using it just for a example.

also for sci-fi inspirations read the horus heracy books from warhammer 40k they are some of the best sci-fi writing i have ever read. (and i read a lot)

Yeah, I was def kidding about the cookie thing. I want them to forget me and everything else but remember my story. that's all that matters.

I voraciously devour books, and hadn't decided what books to read next, so I'll put those on the short list, thanks

'ash wrote:

depends on the gender and marital status of the judge type people, though generally people like that are a bunch of hard arses.

you could adopt the open palm/closed fist concept to fit your story better, i was using it just for a example.

also for sci-fi inspirations read the horus heracy books from warhammer 40k they are some of the best sci-fi writing i have ever read. (and i read a lot)

I likie that idear too! maybe instead u can call it the pimpslap/suckerpunch (i wanted to use coldcocked but it might get moderated)

Timothy Zahn is still one of my favorite sci fi and i believe he also did some fantasy so u might wanna look into that one too...benchmark some ideas for future works. Terry Brooks is also a good fantasy writer, his episode I story was a far better read than what was in the movie lol

I usually read like sci fi and historical/adventure with lots of guns and exploshuns! oh yeah and i love technological thrillers...just because...i'm a geek

you will love the 40k books then mapu they have big guns big explosions big stompy robots that make a AT AT look like a taliban armed with a slingshot and genetically modified super soldiers.


Theres also a fantasy element to in regards to chaos (their darkside basically) with spells magic deamons ect thrown in.



a space marine of the blood ravens chapter

Any particular one u recommend starting off with? either story title or author

horus rising by dan abnett its the first of the 3 part series from the perspective of the main bad guy before he goes bad basically